In this blog post, we’re going to spill the tea on the rollercoaster ride of our church journey. Within the four walls of the church, we expect to find peace, joy, community, and love, right? But let’s get real..being humans and all, we also face moments of conflict, disappointment, and betrayal, which we call Church Hurt.
Let’s peel back the layers of this term. For us, Church Hurt is emotional, psychological, or spiritual distress that comes as a result of negative interactions, unmet expectations, and rejection within religious or spiritual communities.These experiences often leave a negative impact on our faith, trust, and overall well-being as Christians. Those hurt often need healing, support, and understanding to heal from their negative experiences, and feel safe in a church congregation again
Our experience with Church Hurt began the moment we started serving in the church. Unfortunately, exposure to the business side of the church often reveals practices and decisions that conflict with foundational principles outlined in the Bible. As we began serving within the church we were able to witness the tough decisions that church leaders are tasked to manage. While financial management, administrative decisions, and strategic planning are necessary, conflicts typically arise when practices start to deviate from spiritual principles as outlined in the Bible; or simply when opposing ideologies clash. Navigating the complexities of the business side of the church while upholding biblical principles is a shared responsibility that can foster a healthier and a more spiritually aligned community when challenges are addressed with integrity.
Our Church Hurt was exasperated when we were homeless, seeking financial support for shelter, food, and gas to survive. Many of the people we came across in churches were empathetic and supportive, but we also came across people who were dismissive and cold. There were some ‘Church' folks who suggested that we split apart. Others suggested that God couldn’t possibly allow us to suffer like that if we were really doing what He wanted us to do. Sure, it’s easy to pass judgment when you have ‘able’ bodied people who weren’t working, and sure, some churches didn’t have the resources to support us on our misunderstood journey, but as we know now looking back, that season was ordained by God for His sovereign purposes.
The sting of those negative encounters left a lasting impression that tempted us to never return to church again. After our wilderness season, we were trying to figure out a way to love Jesus, but stay away from the church. Ironically, this painful chapter became a blessing in disguise. Venturing through various churches and denominations exposed us to diverse worship and teaching styles, and offered us perspective of the state of churches today.
A Sense of Belonging
As we navigated through our wilderness season, we longed to belong to a local church. The struggle to find people in a church who would embrace us became apparent, but we understood the predicament that our situation of being homeless left many feeling conflicted about. How can we preach about helping others, but have a couple coming to service every Sunday, then going back to sleep in their car every night? This was highlighted when we decided to join a church during our wilderness season. The church was fully aware of our circumstances. Some people were accepting of our position and their inability to support us on an ongoing basis, but others were not so accepting. As a result, we were dismissed from the church, and told directly that “we are not able to help you, and feel it would be best if you did not return to our church.” Mind you, we did not ask this church for ongoing assistance. Over time, we just wanted a place to belong. We wanted to feel a sense of connection and being ‘rooted’ somewhere while we were going though our wilderness season.
After God delivered us from our wilderness season, we stayed committed to find a church home. A lack of representation for couples and families in our age group, right along with the differences between ethnically diverse and culturally diverse church bodies, highlighted the complexities within the church and finding ‘our place’.
We desired to attend a ‘diverse’ church that was a reflection of the community we lived in, so we visited different churches and found that many predominantly white churches strive for diversity but often overlook opportunities to embrace and celebrate minority culture. We found that celebrations like MLK Day, Juneteenth, and Indigenous People's Day were sometimes dismissed as political, neglecting the opportunity for collective understanding and unity, and that didn’t sit right with us in various churches we were hoping to make our home.
For many African-American liberals in the church today, there exists a significant challenge of navigating spaces where conformity and assimilation often overshadow authentic inclusion. Statistics reveal that while a substantial portion of African-Americans identify as Christians, a notable percentage do not align with right-wing politics and instead value diversity within their religious communities. However, finding churches that truly reflect this makeup remains a challenge, with options for such inclusive environments being limited. Consequently, many individuals feel the temptation to disengage physically from their local congregations and opt for virtual membership, or defer to the choice of staying at home to worship a.k.a. attending "Bedside Baptist." This trend highlights a struggle among African-American church attendees to find places where their values and political beliefs are fully embraced without the fear of tokenism or exclusion.
Overcoming Church Hurt:
Through the pain and frustration, we found solace in prayer, our faith, and by being patient. This became the foundation of our healing journey as we picked up the pieces from our Church Hurt. It’s a process you may have to circle back to a few times in life, so it’s important to overcome rejection by allowing yourself to be open to rejoining and serving in a church that you feel comfortable with (as we did). As you look to overcome Church Hurt, here are some tools that you may find helpful:
Acknowledge Your Pain: It's okay to acknowledge and validate your feelings. Church hurt can be deeply emotional, and it's important to recognize the impact it has had on your faith and well-being.
Seek Support: Get connected with our coaching services. Whether you've encountered disappointment, betrayal, or a loss of trust within religious communities, we are here to guide you toward resilience, healing and forgiveness. Igniting You offers personalized coaching for both individuals and couples, tailored to your specific needs and goals.
Prayer and Reflection: Engage in prayer and reflection to find spiritual solace. Seek guidance and strength from your faith as you navigate through the challenges of Church Hurt.
Set Boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself from further harm. It's crucial to prioritize your well-being and create space between you and sources of negativity.
Explore Different Worship Communities: Consider exploring different churches or denominations. Finding a community that aligns with your values and offers a supportive environment can contribute to healing.
Focus on Personal Growth: Use your time of healing as an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth. Invest time in activities that nourish your soul and help you rediscover the joy of your faith.
Educate Yourself: Educate yourself on spiritual abuse and church hurt. Understanding the dynamics can empower you to navigate through challenges and make informed decisions about your spiritual journey.
Forgiveness: Work towards forgiveness, not necessarily for the benefit of those who caused the hurt, but for your own peace of mind. Forgiveness doesn't condone the actions; it releases you from the burden of resentment.
Engage in Honest Conversations: If you feel comfortable, engage in honest conversations with church leaders or those involved in the hurtful experiences. Expressing your feelings can lead to understanding and potential resolution.
Focus on God's Unconditional Love: Remember that your relationship with God is personal and transcends the actions of individuals within a church community. Focus on God's unconditional love and grace that extends beyond the flaws of human institutions.
Allow Time for Healing: Healing is a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself and allow the necessary time for emotional and spiritual recovery. It's a journey, and each step forward is a victory.
Conclusion:
As Christians, we feel it is important to acknowledge the pain you experience, but it’s equally important to embrace the healing process by rediscovering the true essence of faith. What foundation is your relationship with God built on? It shouldn't be a church congregation. Remember, your faith is a personal and evolving journey. People-driven church hurt can really test your faith. When you find yourself on the outs, allow that to be a catalyst for growth and renewal. Stay resilient, trust that God's grace is more than sufficient and know that you can always go back to your ‘First Love.” Jesus says: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV).
Comments